In June 2019, I released my first single, Her Eyes. Since then, A LOT has happened. I had spine surgery a month after the release and, just when I was starting to feel like myself again, COVID hit. It’s been a struggle to reconnect with my creative life during this haze, but I’m happy to say I’ve made some strides. I’m excited to announce that I’m releasing my brand-spanking-new lyric video! Patrick Mason is the creative genius behind what you’re about to watch. We collaborated on a concept that I hope will pull you more deeply into the song.
And now the story behind the song.
Yesterday was my mom’s birthday. She died fourteen years ago when I was 25. She was 52. Her death certificate describes the cause as “unknown,” but I know why she died: the world broke her. She died of a broken heart and a broken soul. She had faced so much trauma. So much loneliness. So much suffering. For years, I blamed her doctors and the cocktail of medications she was on to treat her “mental illness.” I blamed family members. I blamed myself. But now I know that she is one of many causalities of our capitalist, patriarchal society—the machine that divides, separates, and kills. This machine is fueled by pain and maintained by treating the symptoms, not the cause. It violates our most personal spaces: the home, the family, the self. We do our best to cope, but it’s usually not enough. This was her life.
After she died, I had recurring dreams that she was still alive, hiding, suffering from the gruesome side effects of death and loneliness. These dreams haunted me for more than ten years. I wondered if they would ever stop. Then, about three years ago, I had a dream that was different, worlds away from these nightmares. She was on the other side, well and whole. She had let go of this world and transformed. She needed and wanted nothing. Silent. Stoic. At peace. The most unforgettable part of the dream was the look in her eyes. It held so much depth and calm, and in her eyes, I saw the whole universe. The memory of that look has brought me strength and resolve. I wrote a song about that dream. And as I sat at my piano, under her gaze, I grieved.
This is that song.
For my mom’s birthday, and in celebration of her life, please listen, watch, and share.
May this be a balm for our family.